that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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