Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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