Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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