After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
