You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
