I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
