SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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