I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
