meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
