i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
