You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
