hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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