my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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