Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
