you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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