thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
