everyone is single if you try hard enough
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
