Where did you get a picture of my penis
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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