My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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