you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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