I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You took a bar mat shot.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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