You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
