Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
