No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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