im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
