I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
