i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
