@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
