I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
