You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He kissed a someone with a penis
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
