my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This baby is an asshole
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
