Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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