my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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