now i know why i became what i already was.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
