you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
