just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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