Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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