craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
