He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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