I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
