Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the condom got lost in my hair
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
