PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
