Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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