On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
