there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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