She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
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