It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
