Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
