Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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