matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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